Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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