On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just want to make out with him forever
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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