guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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