I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
