here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Randomize
