why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize