I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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