Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
