I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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