and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
