I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
