Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
