You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
