his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
