I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
