She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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