Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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