I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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