Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
