I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
