He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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