at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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