and you said cock pushups were impossible
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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