Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
