Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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