I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
