I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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