The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
