please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
