I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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