End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
