You surviving the open bar?
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I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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