John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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