It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
