why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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