my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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