I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He shit in the fireplace
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
