Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
