She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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