I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
