dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
