Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Randomize
