god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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