Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
