i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
