I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
