I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
