When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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