omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
