I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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