He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize