Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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