hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
