So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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