is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
