just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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