Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
