i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
