I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
love makes seman taste better
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
