Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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